How do you know you’re ready to date again?
Meditations on the heart
What if I’m unsure of whether I’m ready to date, and someone magical comes along? Do I wait until I’m certain that I’m ready to date, and risk missing my chance to get to know this other person better? Do I jump into the opportunity and hope that I’m ready?
It’s hard enough to know the state of our hearts post-relationship, without having an external factor like someone new entering our lives, or someone old re-entering in a potentially new capacity. We’ve all heard it, seen it, read about it: when we’re vulnerable, like after a separation, we instinctively reach out for something solid to hold on to. A sailor on stormy seas reaches for the railing of their ship; an eagle in high winds holds tight to the tree branches. It’s instinct to want to feel safe, no matter what state our hearts or our minds are in.
So how do we know if we’re reaching for a railing in our own storm, or about to take flight with the wind beneath our wings?
One thing I’ve found helpful in taking a pulse on the state of my heart is forgiveness. Forgiveness of my significant other for all the things I felt wronged by, and most importantly forgiveness of myself for the things I felt guilty about in the relationship. If you think that’s crazy talk, you might want to take a second, a third, a fourth, fifth, hundredth look at those things that that still get your blood pumping or your heart racing. I find the body to be a much more accurate indicator of the state of my affairs than my mind, and I try to take hints from those sudden flashes of indignation, tensing muscles, lightheadedness, you name it. If there’s something I still hold on to from a previous relationship — and trust me, I’ve held on to a few — I’m not fully ready to let go of that relationship. That doesn’t mean you can’t start a new relationship, but it’s hard if not impossible to be fully present in this relationship, when wounds remain from before, no matter how small.
So try. Try sitting with the things that bothered you, and witness the way your body responds to even thinking about those things. Breathe through it. Notice your mind’s tendency to go into what if’s, if only’s, I wouldn’t have had to’s… and keep your focus only on your body, and your breath. The physical sensations will disappear. The thoughts will quiet, as long as you let them flow through you, not into you.
Now, I’m no expert, and I certainly have looked back on relationships I got into without forgiving my previous relationships, and had the experience of being ready and still having things to release, and not being ready at all but reaching for that railing anyway because it distracted me to have some external source of stability. But I do believe you can be ready to date without fully being settled with a previous relationship. And in many cases, we might even need a new relationship to help us release those things. Having a firsthand and conscious experience of how much release still needs to happen can inform us more than we may believe.
The following meditation is designed to help sit with these difficult feelings and emotions, and, with practice and kindness, release their hold over you.
Meditation on Difficult Emotions
Come to a comfortable seated position. If on a chair, allow your feet to rest flat on the ground. Rest your hands palm up on your knees or in your lap. Close your eyes, or allow your gaze to lower and soften.
On your next inhale, imagine a string attached to the crown of your head pulling your spine upright: chest over root, crown over chest. On your exhale, sink your hips down into the Earth below you. Take a few more breaths in the following manner: inhale your energy up through your front body to the crown, exhale it down through your spine and ground into the Earth.
Now focus all of your attention on the sensations at the tip of your nose. Feel the cool air flowing in on your inhale, and the warm air coming out on your exhale. Breathe naturally. Pay full attention to these sensations for 3 full inhale-exhale cycles — count them. If you lose count, start again until you get to 3.
Now release your attention from your nose. Exhale the energy through your feet and into the Earth.
Now think of your favorite song. Let that song fill your body. Find where that song resonates in you. Could be in your feet, your heart, your gut. Find the point of sensation in your body that responds to this song. Breathe for 3 cycles of breath, with your attention on the sensations in this part of your body.
Now release your attention from your body. Exhale the energy through your feet and into the Earth.
Now bring to mind a difficult interaction you had with someone recently. It could be a disagreement you had with a coworker about which video conferencing tool to use. It could be a faceless stranger arguing with you about the latest COVID numbers on Reddit. It could be your housemate drinking all of your Whiteclaw. Where does this experience show up in your body? What is the point of sensation that responds to this interaction? Find it. Focus all of your attention on the sensations. Only the sensations. Breathe for 10 cycles of breath. Count them. If you lose count, start again until you reach 10. Only the sensations. When your mind starts to wander to excellent retorts you should have made, anchor yourself with your breath, and re-focus on the sensations. Allow them to be. Witness them without responding to them.
Now release your attention from your body. Exhale the energy through your feet and into the Earth.
When you are ready, start wiggling your toes and fingers, and return to the ground around you, the room you are in, and open your eyes.
Another thing I’ve grappled with in the Pre-Dating Stages of my life is, whether I am telling myself I’m ready to date and am healed from my previous relationship(s) because I am eager to put back on (or keep on) my mask? In other words, is it easier to start a new relationship than it is to be with, reflect on, and integrate all the experiences of my previous one, and see things about myself, my significant other, and our relationship, that I would really rather not acknowledge?
If your stomach just dropped, or you feel outraged at my ridiculous, out of line suggestion, you might want to take a hundred-and-first look. When thinking about your previous relationship, are there blindspots? Subject areas where, when your mind gets close to touching upon them, or your external world brings you within spitting distance of them, you and your thoughts zoom off in the opposite direction?
I love the way Meg Jay, author of The Defining Decade has coined this idea: “the unthought known”. Something that you won’t put into words because even the slightest possibility of it being true terrifies you and straddles taboo — “I was abused”, “I’m not perfect”, or “I’m gay” — but that you know at an intuitive level. I’ve found that these “unthought knowns” never go away. No matter how many times I try to turn my back on them, as long as I keep them pushed down within me, the stronger and more adamant they become about getting out in the open, like a gnawing beast in my gut and my chest, dying to be set free. The longer I don’t give them a voice, the more times they take life in my relationships, and eventually bring me face-to-face with them.
So if and when it feels right, know that you have the strength, and you have the courage to welcome one of these unthought knowns into your heart space, with curiosity and kindness. It is as much a part of you as your need to breathe.
Rumi’s poem “The Guest House” has always helped me approach my fears and weaknesses and frustrations with a little more kindness:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi
Knowing when we’re ready to date is by no means black and white, especially when there are so many people in our lives who influence our decisions and sometimes confuse our thoughts and feelings. Advice is slung around in conversation, books, TV shows, but you are the only one who knows your full self. My advice is, and ever will be, listen, and watch. Listen to your body. Watch your thought patterns. The way both of them respond to brushes with old pains.
Yes, it takes practice. Absolutely, it can be scary to open ourselves to the things we may have turned away from for years. But consider that the high winds howling through mountain trees and pushing our eagle to seek shelter, need only be opened up to, and welcomed as an old friend, for the eagle to soar.
